As May comes to an end, so does the monthly focus of mental health awareness. In recent years, the conversation and the emphasis on individuals needing to take care of our mental health have been more at the forefront, with notice of how it affects more people than we think. While it is good that people are becoming more open in what is bothering them that hinders their mental, physical and social well-being, it is also harder for some to open up more than others—specifically, men.
There is a stigma among men that we cannot show or talk about our emotions. If we are crying or expressing any sensitivity, it is a sign of weakness. Toxic masculinity tells us we have to be strong and "Be a man." If the cause is we are not allowed to talk about our feelings, the effect is we bottle up our emotions, but that can lead to a terrible outcome. Think of it as when you shake up a bottle of soda, and you see the bubbles start to fizzle inside. The soda represents our emotions building up, and the cap means it is trying to keep it inside. But if you unscrew the cap, the soda sprays everywhere, and that can lead to us lashing out in an unhealthy manner or something much worse, such as expressing emotions through sex and violence.
Researchers found amongst a poll of 21,000 American men taken at the National Center for Health Statistics (NCHS) that 1 in 10 men experienced depression or anxiety. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention found statistics in 2019 that men were 3.63x more likely to die from suicide than women. And it cannot be easy for men to seek help to talk things out, whether it be they don't know who to turn to, they think that they do not have a problem, or are afraid that their ego will get hurt due to being seen as weak letting emotions out. According to the Medical Health Foundation, a survey found 28% of men did not seek medical help for their mental health versus 19% of women.
When it comes to people battling addictions, the first step is admitting you have a problem. The same can go for accepting you are not mentally well. So for some of the men who might be reading this, let me help you break the ice.
I, too, am not well. I have suffered from depression. While I am good at checking in on people and uplifting their emotions, I have neglected mine. In the last couple of months and years prior, I have struggled to keep a high spirit about myself and some opportunities. My ways of dealing with jobs rejecting my applications, dealing with old emotions popping up for someone, and repairing a broken heart have suppressed my feelings. While this is part of toxic masculinity, it is also a terrible personality trait I have inherited from my father. I think that a good night's rest or listening to some music will have my emotions go away. But this leads me to become more frustrated and irritated more quickly and more often.
My face says it all sometimes, you are around me. My emotions can blatantly show. But I lie to my friends and my family that I am okay when I am not. I even lie to myself about how I feel. In the above photo, while I was laughing and enjoying the best day of my life, graduating from college, I was depressed during that school year over a break-up. And every day I stepped out in public, I stood up straight, put on a fake smile, and laugh, and have people think I was doing fine. I do not like the situations I am in, and I question, "Why me?" I feel that I am stagnant in my life, and while everyone else is swimming, I am just treading water. I have talked to my friends about these feelings and issues. Some on more occasions than others. And I do sometimes think, "They have heard me talk about this before. I don't want to be a burden to them and talk about it again."
I do not think that I am strong enough, and sometimes I want to give up. But I can't do that. And I know I'm strong. Talking to myself and accepting that I am not ok, it made me a little better. But I am also learning that others experience the same things I do and that I am an emotional person, but it does not make me less of a man to say how I feel. Now I need to take action and seek the help I want and need.
It is easy to think that you are the only one going through a mental struggle, whatever it is that got you there, but hear me when I say that you, sir, are not alone. There are plenty of men, like myself, who are going through what you are going through. And that is ok.
It is ok to feel the way you do. As cliché as it sounds, life knocks you down. Now is time to pick yourself up—work towards opening up more. Find a person or a small circle of people you are close with, are easy to talk to, and understanding. If you become the listener, a one-off conversation might not be enough. Be patient with the number of times you may need to talk with that person.
And when you are ready, find someone professional to talk to that can find the root of the problem. Suppressing our emotions does not work. Letting out how you feel and letting go is what is going to make you better. I understand it can be somewhat nerve-racking and scary to open up. But take your time and baby steps with it, and you will be ok. Do what will make you feel better. Only you know what that is. And remember, you are still a man.
Rivers, A. (2019, February 19). A Critical Look at Men’s Mental Health. MindWise. https://www.mindwise.org/blog/uncategorized/a-critical-look-at-mens-mental-health/
Stevens, J. (2020a, October 23). A Movember Issue: Why are so many men taking their own lives? The Bite. https://thebite.aisb.ro/mens-awareness-month-why-are-so-many-men-taking-their-own-lives/
Stevens, J. (2020b, October 23). “Man up” - Challenging the stigma against men expressing emotions. The Bite. https://thebite.aisb.ro/man-up-challenging-the-stigma-against-men-expressing-emotions/
Suicide statistics. (2021, March 9). American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. https://afsp.org/suicide-statistics/
Survey of people with lived experience of mental health problems. (2018, February 2). Mental Health Foundation. https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/news/survey-people-lived-experience-mental-health-problems-reveals-men-less-likely-seek-medical
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