There is a stereotype that evolves around dating. In our favorite TV shows and movies, we root to see our protagonist end up dating/marrying the boy or girl of their dreams. As we sit and watch the different people our main character dates throughout several seasons, we the viewers, know that the recurring characters are not the Mr. and Mrs. Right.
I would think that all of us would like our romantic relationships to be like the Ross' and Rachel's, and the Jim's and Pam's of the world. The hopeful romantic with a fairytale, storybook ending. But that is not how dating works all the time. Television and film can give us an escape from reality and hope that we can achieve love on the same level, ignoring the downside of the difficulties relationships face along the way and the pitfalls we endure.
Dating somebody while in our 20s is a difficult time. We are at such different crossroads in lives where we do not think that we are ready to find someone. Our mindsets can be that we are not stable in our finances and careers just yet. Dates cost money! Another problem can be still be getting over an ex. Or sex is the only thing we're looking for and not a relationship.
This topic will kick off a 2-part series on dating, highlighting my experiences and the participants. With conducting a 60-person response survey, I was able to understand the different reasonings as to why dating during our 20s is such a challenge.
The first question that you can out ourselves is why do we date? What is the point of it? Reviewing the responses my surveyors said, there is a mixture of those who said that they date to seek a relationship versus casually dating and not looking for anything serious. You could also possibly test the waters. I do agree with the response stating that "we must keep an open mind if we're casually dating as to the possibility of the date blooming into a relationship." Another good response was that "It depends on where I am at in my life right now."
During our 20s, there are still many things that we have not quite figured out yet. I know for myself I am not established in my career, and I am not financially stable to even consider being with someone. And that can play a part for you as well. There is a larger scale to these difficulties as well.
The presence of social media can be an issue, as some people pointed out, to which we determine how one looks and acts based on their Instagram profile. That is our first impression.
One person pointed out how it can "Put on such weight as for what people's dates/relationships should look like..." While I am not against people taking pictures of their significant other and posting them online, it does make it seem as if they are in the perfect relationship and they set the standards. This can also make us feel as if we are alone and missing out on the dating life. It's the idea that you have to surprise your spouse with gifts to say that you love them, or take a photo to celebrate every month together. It can put pressure on us to quickly be in a relationship, and not have the feelings for that person.
When it comes to accepting a date from someone, most of the surveyors said that they are looking for someone honest, has a good sense of humor, respectable, values, etc. The course of a good date can range from great conversations, similar interests, both of you are laughing and having a good time. The date can also be bad as to the person is always on their phone, being rude to you and others around you, no chemistry or interests, lack of a conversation, and being pressured into having sex with them. Political stances can also play an issue with this.
What does surprise me a bit is a bare minimum that is expected for men to do on a date but women never experienced before. As an example, when talking to some women friends, some have stated their dates never picked them up and knock on their door. Or even have their date open their car door for them. This can be something small but have a significant impact on what the person will think of you.
100% of my surveyors said that their dates do not have to end with sex and that the night is still successful. However, 13.3% of the surveyors said they feel pressured to have sex on the date. I do agree with the responses of sex not being a requirement for the date to be good. If the night leads into that is one thing, but no one should feel like they are obligated to have sex because the person showed them a good time.
I am confused as to why it is so hard to define the relationship with couples. To me, this seems like it is coming more from the men's side who do not want, or are afraid, to put a label on it. 68.3% of people said that they have experienced being in an unclear relationship. This can cause problems with feelings becoming involved, as well as one person understanding the type of relationship they are in but not the other. The lack of communication.
One person stated that "Define has different meanings to everyone" so let us talk about what that means. Defining the relationship means "Are we boyfriend or girlfriend? Are we exclusive or seeing other people?" The vast majority of the responses were that people were confused, uncomfortable, stressed, uncertain, and made one individual feel as if they were not good enough. One person shared a story of how she spent New Years with a man she liked, and he met her family. When she told him she liked him, the same feelings were not reciprocated and he was not looking for a relationship.
I had one surveyor respond with this: "Just because the relationship was unclear doesn’t mean I wanted it defined. Sometimes it’s nice to text someone when you’re a little drunk and want to hook up or see their dog, smoke, and snuggle on the couch. It’s a shame that anyone would assume that anyone in an undefined relationship would want it defined!" Here is the reason why I and others are against this idea. No one wants to be used. In a relationship, we want to feel cherished and valued as a loveable person. Not a late-night booty call. I understand if two people talk it out, the intentions are yourself, or both of you are not looking for a traditional relationship and want to keep it sex only, that is okay. But the person should not be dragged along thinking that you two are exclusive when the other person wants to have sex only and see other men/women. Be clear in your intentions. Not everyone wants to have friends with benefits type of relationship. It is easier to let the person know now rather than hurt them down the road.
With our generation versus our parent's and grandparent's generation, we are more accepting of being in an interracial relationship. I believe that love has no racial discrimination. All interracial couples want is to be treated and viewed the way same-race couples are. 73.3% of people who took this survey experienced being in an interracial relationship. While it is progressive we are more open to date outside our initial ethnicity, it does not mean that it will be easy and that we won't face any challenges.
68.% of surveyors said that they have never been sought after because of their race. However, for 31.7% who said yes, it is the fear that we will be used as a fetish. For black men, we are hypersexualized that the stereotype for us is that we're naturally strong and gifted, as well as being "big" downstairs. This is attributed to the Brute character. This causes women, preferably white, to seek us to test the stereotype, and brag about how they had sex with a black man. As if we are some sort of achievement or bucket list item. This idea can also be used for women to get back at their parents if they do not approve of their daughter seeing a black man.
I know of my audience who took this survey, and only 9.6% fear being used as a racial fetish. And while you might want to say "It's 2020, this sort of racism does not happen anymore," it still is prevalent. It is a racist stereotype that has been passed down and allowed to exist from former generations that needs to end. And there are many other challenges than being seen as a fetish.
It might be hard for your parents, or even their parents, to grasp that you're dating someone that is not the same color as them. I know that first impressions are everything and you do not want to come off rude to their son or daughter. But even if you make a good first impression, their parents could probably still not like you because of your skin. 61.7% of the surveyors said that they do not worry about their significant other's parents liking them or not based on their skin. But of the 38.3% like myself and others, this is a scenario that we constantly aware of. Some people will not as open to expressing dislike for interracial dating, and some might be nice to your face, but as soon as you leave they will tell their son/daughter they disapprove because of the color of your skin.
Handling the situation with the parents can be more difficult, as the talks will not be easy and they might think you are in the wrong. I did like the response to what one person said on how they would handle the situation. "I would respectfully say that I acknowledge their concerns, but this is our relationship. I believe that everyone should be loved and we should embrace our differences. I grew up to judge someone based off of their character and not how they look." Every parent has the right to be concern about who their child dates. That person is right. They should judge them based on their character and not their race. At the end of the day, it is your relationship. That person makes you happy. If they can not respect that, it is their loss.
So when is a good time to settle down and be in a relationship? That question varies each individual. Only you know when that can happen. Maybe being in your early or mid-20s is not the best time to see someone. You possibly want to wait until you're in your late 20s or 30 years old. But even if you're like me who wants to be settled in their career first, life can surprise you and present you that special person unexpectedly. I wouldn't ignore those feelings if they are there.
Here's some final advice I was given: go at your own pace, love yourself, and don't rush anything. Date and have fun, but settle down when you meet someone who meets your standards. Be completely honest and transparent to yourself and to the people you date. I am a firm believer that everyone has someone out there for them. Do not give up on love.
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